Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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