its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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