just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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