think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
