Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
