Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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