Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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