Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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