Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
