I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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