Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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