my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
