Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
