i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
