I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
