I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
