Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
