I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
