my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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