Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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