i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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