Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
