Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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