TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
