Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
