you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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