I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I faked an abortion last night.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
