The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
