u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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