You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
