dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
