You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
