Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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