he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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