Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish you could order shots online.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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