I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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