I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
