I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
