Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
