At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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