I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
if only i could text you this smell
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
