I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
