Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
