Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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