this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need to calm my uterus...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
