i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
