I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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