Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
