my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
