Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
